Tears

Tonight I am in tears for the first time in a very long while. I tend to cry only at highly inappropriate times (like work meetings) and then in great, dramatic sobs. (Honestly, that hasn't happened in more than 10 years, but that kind of thing sticks in a person's memory.) So crying in my bed, wrapped in a fleece blanket is actually pretty okay in the scheme of things.

Anyway, tonight I am sad. I miss my grandma. I miss my dog. I'm going to miss my kids when they go back to school. I missed going to the Minnesota State Fair with my beautiful friends, Las Chicas Bonitas. I miss the computer files containing months worth of work I lost today because I didn't back them up before they all got corrupted.

And in general I feel liked I missed out when the Universe was handing out satisfaction. I was probably on Facebook on my iPhone and didn't notice and so I had extra room when it was my turn for longing and angst. Seriously...I have a hell of a lot of both of those.

But the truth of the matter is that when I am sad I often do not know if it is "normal" or not. And when I feel longing and angst I don't always know if there are things within my control that can change that, or if it's just how it is for me, or if I need to adjust my diet or sleep patterns or medications or vitamins. Are my feelings telling me that I need to take some action, do something different? Or is my brain chemistry out of whack? That's one of the stupid things about depression. It makes you all confused. And it is stupid. Totally.

And so I pray to the Powers that Be; I exercise; I meditate; these days I cry a bit; and I wait, trusting that despite the confusion answers will eventually come. It's a big step to be able to say that; to simply be and breathe without trying to force clarity. So...there's that.

And that's all I have to say right now.