Last night, after dinner, when it was dark and cold outside and warm and cozy in my house, Shop Guy took Isaac and Nora to shoot baskets at a gym. I was left alone with the pets, the dirty dishes and pumpkin bread in the oven. After cleaning the kitchen and starting the dishwasher I dimmed the lights and just stood there listening to it murmur, smelling the ginger and nutmeg.
And I realized that I was the happiest and most content I had been in 13 years.
For the first time in this home I was perfectly at ease.
Of course the situation of my life had something to do with it...the place, the people, the creatures, the smells...but I like to think something else happened. Or is happening.
I am different from how I used to be. I am me, but transforming. Nothing is perfect. Some things are extremely difficult. Some painful. But I'm not so frightened. I don't run so hard. I don't struggle as much. I'm not trying to get away from what hurts.
It all just is. Life just is. And that's good.
Peace out.
P.S. Just so I don't make things sound too idyllic, right after this happened I realized it was REALLY FREAKING COLD outside of the kitchen so I put on several layers of jammies and fleece and went to bed at 9:00.
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