Quote of the Week: Romance

Yesterday someone I respect and trust said to me:
 
"You are deeply and intensely a romantic in the classic sense of the word; you want all the people you love to look up and notice the amazing color of the sky."


And then he said he thought that was a thing to know about me: Not a good thing, not a bad thing, just a thing.

And I smiled.

Day Dream Believers

As far as I'm concerned the Winter and Summer Solstice are the bookends of a year. So on this day of so little light I visited my psychiatrist, listened to beautiful music, and was surrounded by lovely color. The Good Doctor and I talked about what it means to be a seeker and to feel like the one who didn't get the handbook and to know that there is so much more to life than what it looks like on the outside.

I also created this weird winter evening mandala that I'm not totally loving, but that's part of the whole mandala thing...let go and do what the spirit moves me to do.

May you have a year filled with light, color, and music, however weird.

Peace

Wednesday Post, Part 2

I'm posting again today because that first one isn't making sense to me when I go back and read it.

What I was trying to explain has to do with why I started blogging in the first place. Eight years ago when I finally had to face depression, anxiety, and panic attacks head on, a very significant contributor to my return to functioning was that a number of people came forward and said, "I've done this. I lived it. You can get through it. You can change. Here's what happened to me...."

None of these people felt sorry for themselves or for me; they felt relief, health, gratitude, hope.

There were also people who were fearful, who worried that the stigma of mental illness would prove a barrier to all sorts of important things in life. These were people who felt only pity for me, not compassion.

I decided that I would never be afraid to tell my story; that I would make removing barriers one of the important things in my life.

For better or for worse, I've stayed in that place. But there's a difference between openness and story telling, and whimpering.

I've been getting a little close to whimpering lately, at least in real life. And that's what's tripping me up, serving as my writer's block. And every time I try to show a little bit of it I just get more worried I'm drifting that direction. I don't want to write things that provoke pity, that doesn't help anyone. If I can, I'd like to promote compassion. But mostly I just want to say, "I've done this. I lived it. You can get through it. You can change. Here's what happened to me."

I've found it difficult to write lately. I worry about crossing the line from being real to being a real downer.

I have no interest in being that person.

Furthermore, while I have heard that the worst thing one human can feel toward another is apathy, I more strongly loathe pity. If you care about me, do not ever feel sorry for me. In fact, how about we all just agree to never feel sorry for anyone? Because when we do we stop thinking of them as being complete and whole and having everything they need to face whatever comes next.

And we all have it. We truly do.

Peace out.

Most days I'm a pantheist, but the Hallelujah Chorus is still one of my favorite pieces of music and these version is really fun and the kids in it are awesome. (Though I do wonder if they realize what they are "saying." Also, try to not be distracted by the cringe-worthy punctuation toward the end.)



P.S. The views of Alaska are amazing and astonishing. I would not survive a year there.

A Very Dysthymic Holiday Season

Episodic depression sucks, but I figure might as well make the best of it! If I knew how to video blog this would be my first one. Fortunately for you, I don't, so you'll just have to sing it in your head.

Deck the Halls: Redux

Deck the Halls with acts of folly

Fa la la la la, la goddamn la.

Tis' the season of melancholy

Fa la la, la, la, blah, blah, blah blah.

Don we now our stretchy apparel

Fa la la la la (you get the rest)

Trolls are actually elves gone feral

Fa la, etc. etc.

See the blazing yule before us

Fa la...

Strike the table and run into the forest*

Fa...

Follow me in ill-got pleasure

...

Oh wait, I quit that because it f```ed me up.

Fa la la la la, la la la la. 


*There's a wooded area with trails behind my house. When I get really fed up I tend to slam my hand down on something and announce, "I'm going for walk!" 

Edited to say: I'm not currently depressed, mind you, just having to work extra hard to stave it off.

Conversation of the Day: When You Must Go to a Ball

Coyote Hollow Arroyo Garden Dec 2011

The snow came this weekend to Coyote Hollow Gardens and Library, followed this morning by cold, cold, cold temps with more bitterness on the way. Here's how dressing for the weather went down in our household:

Nora (age 11, standing at the bus stop shivering): Ahh...my ears are cold.

JOTV (age old enough to not care, standing at the bus stop in dirty ratty torn wool poncho-type thing): Dude...put your hat on.

N: I can't; it'll mess up my hair.

JOTV: Seriously? You can fix your hair when you get to school. And besides, how your hair looks is never more important than being warm. Okay, almost never.
N: Yeah, like, if you have to go to ball.

So, folks, Nora has spoken. If you live where it's cold and must go to a ball today, you have our complete support for not wearing a hat. Otherwise, bundle up!!!

P.S. Isaac wore shorts.

Coyote Hollow Little Free Library Dec 2011